Wonderings and Ponderings « Woven and Spun

Things I learned this week

April 26, 2009 at 10:46 pm | In Daddy Rocks!, Family Times, Mommy Moments, Wonderings and Ponderings | Leave a Comment

Things I learned this week:

1. Eating only almonds during South Beach Diet, phase one is not at all effective.

2. Pointing fingers during an argument always makes the situation worse.

3. When living with a toddler – the real mess is always being created while the decoy mess is being cleaned up.

4. Playgrounds in South Florida in April can be dangerously hot by 10:30 AM

5. Change poopey diapers immediately

6. Watching temper tantrums from an undisclosed location can be more entertaining than a blockbuster film.

7. Hope deferred makes the heart sick – Proverbs 12:13

8. Our future hope should place us in submission to the will of God.

9. I have the best husband in the world.

10. I don’t tell my husband that he is the best often enough.

11. The five second rule cannot apply to my kitchen floor in its current condition.

12. Fire ants are bad and should all die.

13. A hard day’s work that is dreaded beforehand can be very fulfilling afterwards.

14. My son thinks his name is baby. (We are now working to correct this)

15. A few intimate, quiet moments with my family can wash away a week’s worth of hardship.

The Darling of Heaven

April 13, 2009 at 2:02 am | In Wonderings and Ponderings | Leave a Comment

The last time I remember singing the song “Worthy is the Lamb” was at a church service when I was over nine months pregnant. At the time, I only knew Drew as an alien being who did consecutive somersaults when I ate chocolate and who daily practiced punting my bladder. While singing this song, however, one aspect of my parental relationship suddenly became absolutely clear. The chorus of the song begins with the words “Worthy is the Lamb, Seated on the Throne…” and it resolves with the line “The Darling of Heaven was crucified – Worthy is the Lamb”. I remember distinctly belting out the first few words passionately with as much breathe as I could muster from my pregnant lungs. But as I began the final line, my hands resting on my swelling stomach, I had to halt quite abruptly. “The Darling of heaven crucified…” – that thought echoed over and over. The darling son of God was crucified by God’s own choice. I choked on the words and the sudden spiritual reality that God the Father had given his one and only son overwhelmed me. My tears fell uncontrollably over the bump that was my baby. Sacrificing His only son – what had God been thinking?? Feigning fatigue and not wanting to sing anymore, I quickly sat down…

This Easter morning at church, we sang “Worthy is the Lamb” again. And I was again reminded of the absurd love of the Father God. My entire maternal being revolts at the thought, yet at the same time, I stand in stupified awe. Over the course of my single life I’ve had a few moments that I have naively claimed as “Abraham and Isaac” moments. Times when God called me to sacrifice the thing I most loved or most wanted for His Glory, and on several occasions (including my relationship to Dr. Daddy) God has provided the ram in the bushes and given me the things I love back with an even a greater love for Him. Since Drew was born, however, I’ve realized how far off I was to ever consider those as Abraham/Isaac moments – none of those circumstances ever required me to sacrifice my son – to give him up or to watch him suffer. How did Abraham do it? How did God do it? My ferocious maternal love that wants to throttle the kid who pushes Drew down at the playground seems a force too strong to ever sit by and watch my son suffer and die. But I guess that just exaggerates the greatest paradox of the Greatest Love of all. I cannot fathom it.

Oh the Wonderful Cross, O the Wonderful Cross

Bids me come and die to find that I might truly live.

Happy Resurrection Day!

My Royal Throne and Sanctuary

July 23, 2008 at 6:29 pm | In Mommy Moments, Wonderings and Ponderings | Leave a Comment

One of my favorite moments of the day is when I lay my sleepy little monster down, pat his head, close the door, sigh a peaceful sigh…and head to my bathroom. Oh, the joy of being able to use the facilities at my own pace, in peace and quiet without fear of finding trauma or destruction when I do finally emerge. The stress of the day melts away as the “great throne” supports my weary body. I find all the time in the world to do luxurious things like brush my teeth, wash my face, and ignore the fact that the bathroom needs to be cleaned again. Ahh, the after-baby-hours in the bathroom – what bliss!

Why…

July 6, 2008 at 6:40 pm | In Wonderings and Ponderings | Leave a Comment

Why is it that when I put Drew to bed at 7pm he will automatically sleep through until 7am, but if I put him to bed at 7:30pm, he will wake up at 6:30am? Just something I was wondering…at 6:32am this morning…

My Own Worst Enemy

March 26, 2008 at 11:50 am | In Baby Drew, Mommy Moments, Wonderings and Ponderings | 2 Comments

For all the wallowing I do about sleep deprivation on this blog, I realized at 4am one night last week that I am my own worst enemy. Drew is not sleeping through the night yet – he has still been waking once at four to eat. However, after getting through several sporadic teething bouts (he’s got four on top now and four on the bottom…), I thought it might be time to start helping him make it through the entire night. So, I tried once. I think it was Thursday – he woke at 4am, I went in, pacified him, he fussed a bit and in a few minutes went back to sleep. I went back to bed and cried. I am my own worst enemy because I don’t want to give up the 4 am feedings. And that night when Drew woke an hour later, I quickly went in to feed him.

At 4 am, everything is quiet, there are no distractions, and my normally energetic, slight-of-attention-span little boy wants nothing else but me. At 4 am, his lanky frame that during the day kicks and squirms nestles magically in my arms as if he were still a perfect part of me. At 4 am, his busy little hands are still except when they reach to rest on my cheek or hug my neck. It disturbs my sleep and only lasts ten minutes or so, but sometimes 4 am is one of the most precious times of my day.

Monday of this week, I looked at my haggard husband over dinner and realized that 4 am was really starting to wear on him too. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get the magical part of it; he only gets the disturbance in his sleep and then has to go and work all day. And then I was reminded that in just a few weeks, Tim and I are leaving Drew with his grandparents for a three day weekend, and they probably won’t appreciate 4 am either. So, yesterday, I tried again. Drew woke a little early at 3:30am, and I pacified him and let him cry. And cry he did…for two whole hours. At 5:30am, I finally decided we’d have to take this whole thing in baby steps, and I broke down and fed him.

This morning, he woke at 5:30am, and has cried for the majority of the last two hours, and so have I. And ironically, I realize that by not being my own worst enemy, I have become my own worst enemy again- I’ve given in to all the voices in my life telling me that ‘that baby should be sleeping through the night’, and I’ve done away with 4am. I have erased a special moment of motherhood that I can never get back again. I know I will probably rejoice once the sleep deprivation is over and the memory of 4 am fades, but for now, I’d give anything if I could just turn back the clock.

Joy in the ordinary

January 29, 2008 at 4:48 pm | In Baby Drew, Family Times, Wonderings and Ponderings | 1 Comment

I know that all of Drew’s developmental milestones are normal, but I have to confess, Tim and I are enamored and obsessed with them. Maybe by the second or third child, the wonder will wear off, but it’s hard for me to imagine how all of these things could ever become just ‘par for the course’. How could it be just ordinary when he grabs at us to explore our faces with his chubby little hands? Or when he squeals with delight when we blow raspberries on his belly? Will I ever stop being excited when I hear him saying “mamamamamama”, even though I know he’s not really referencing me just yet? I can’t imagine being blase when he throws his arms around my neck and holds on so tight because he doesn’t want to go to bed at night. And the smile and giggle I get when I look in on him in the morning – I feel like I could replay them for the rest of my life and never tire of it. It’s hard because I can often see the glazed over look in friends eyes when we start to talk about the new and ‘exciting’ things Drew is doing, and I think, “Oh no! We’ve become THOSE people…the ones that bore everyone with constant stories about their genius child.” But, unfortunately, we seem to be unable to help ourselves. Drew is a wonder – and everything about him is perfectly miraculous.

Today: Just the toilet…

January 12, 2008 at 4:27 pm | In Mommy Moments, Wonderings and Ponderings | 2 Comments

I’ve started having much smaller goals than I used to. It was a long and frustrating process to get here, but I’ve finally had to accept I am just not one of those people who can get everything done and come out looking like me and my house belong in a Pottery Barn catalogue. I desperately want to be that person, but when I try, inevitably Drew will not nap well, and I end up getting a hundred things started and none finished by the time Tim comes home from work and then the house looks like a Toys R Us exploded instead of the peaceful place where I’d like to live. So, I’ve begun making my to do lists smaller. I tell myself things like, “Today, if I can clean the upstairs bathroom, it will be a good day…” And then I focus all energies that don’t go to the baby on getting that bathroom clean. So far, it’s working pretty well, and on the days when I am successful, and I don’t listen to the voices telling me I should be doing so much more, I can lay my head on my pillow at night and sigh with contentment – for today, the toilet is clean. I am hoping that eventually I will be able to add more to my repertoire, like ‘today, I’m going to clean the bathroom AND empty the dishwasher’. But we’ll see how things go with this strategy for now. It really makes me wonder though if those all put together moms I see around me are really all put together and if so, how do they do it?!

Lonely Christmas Cookies

December 26, 2007 at 9:20 pm | In Mommy Moments, Wonderings and Ponderings | Leave a Comment

This was our very first Christmas in our own house. It was strange not traveling up north to the icy regions of the country, and even more strange not seeing any of my family for Christmas. I realized that as Tim and I are starting our family, we are going to need to begin our own family holiday traditions. I questioned Tim about his thoughts on the subject and the only suggestion he could come up with was to make skiing in Colorado a tradition. Although, that was a…umm…lovely suggestion, until we strike it rich, it is also a lovely impossibility.

So, I took it upon myself to come up with some Christmas activities. I arranged for Tim’s parents to join us for Christmas Eve dinner after church. I shopped for Christmas cookie ingredients to be baked the day before Christmas Eve, and I sent Tim out to find a copy of The Nativity Story to be watched on Christmas Eve. It all seemed like a great festive plan to me. I imagined the Christmas coziness of it as I woke up the day before Christmas Eve and began cookie preparation.

About an hour into the cookie making process (I had ambitiously chosen four different types of cookies – two high maintenance, refrigerator types), I realized I was not having any fun. Normally, I LOVE baking, especially Christmas cookies, but this year it was not any fun whatsoever. Somewhere between hearing my husband say, “Oh, that looks like a lot of work” right before he slipped out the door to take a bike ride, and trying to entertain Drew while baking, all the festiveness of the day disappeared. I realized that in the past, I have always made Christmas cookies with or for other people – never alone or just for me, and it was the ‘other people’ part that made the whole thing so great. By the end of the day, I had platefuls of cookies for just Tim and I, a bowl of half made dough in the fridge (one of those high maintenance cookies never made it), and a scowl on my face. Tim had spent the whole day out, I had missed an entire day of enjoying my son, and all I had to show for it were plates of bake goods which, if consumed all by me, were just going to make me really fat! Arghh…

Well, I’ve decided to go back to the drawing board as far as Christmas family traditions. For next year, I need to think of somethings involving the whole family. Empty traditions without my family are just useless, even if the traditions do end up sprinkled with red and green sugar…I hope your Christmas was filled with loved ones. And I am open for suggestions for the whole family Christmas tradition thing.

My New Mom Wishlist

December 19, 2007 at 9:21 pm | In Wonderings and Ponderings | Leave a Comment

Last week Tim asked me again what I want for Christmas, citing that by waiting to put in my requests I had left him only two weeks to do the whole frantic shopping thing. Normally I’m very quick to make up an enormous wishlist, much like I did when I was a kid, complete with all the necessary details of cost, color, size, etc. – but this year it’s been a little harder to put into words what I wanted. I finally sat down to make up my wishlist and this is what I came up with…

1. A LONG, hot shower complete with ample time to condition my hair and shave my legs

2. The ability to be spontaneous again

3. A personal assistant who will style my hair every day, do my make-up, and occasionally give me a pedicure

4. My pre-pregnancy body

5. Eight hours of unbroken sleep

6. Time with my husband and friends

7. To be referred to by my name, and not “Mommy”

8. A housekeeper

9. Adult interaction

10. The ability to eat dairy products (they currently give Drew gas)

I realize I probably won’t get anything for Christmas from this wishlist, but that’s okay, because here’s a list of the things I already have that I am eternally grateful for…

1. my baby’s smile

2. watching my husband become a daddy

3. an excuse to eat more (I’m nursing…I need the extra calories…)

4. the smell of a baby

5. tiny feet

6. inexplicable love

7. the long awaited little laugh

8. strangers telling me how beautiful Drew is

9. rocking him to sleep

10. Baby’s First Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I want a Christmas present…

December 12, 2007 at 7:01 pm | In Wonderings and Ponderings | 1 Comment

I’m tired of some Christians mentality toward Christmas. And, of course, I don’t mean all Christians or all mentalities – let me clarify. Specifically, I am tired of the mentality that leads to the conclusion that giving gifts is bad, greedy, wasteful, or materialistic. I hear a lot of people reciting “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” and “Christmas is too commercialized” – and I don’t disagree with these statements, but I do disagree when it leads Christians to balk and steer away from exchanging presents to avoid the appearance of being worldly. I want a gift this year, and not just any gift…I want a big box, elaborately wrapped sitting under the tree two weeks in advance with my name on it! I know that list of “I wants” makes me sound like a selfish little child, but I’m really not, and I can explain why…

When I was a kid, the anticipation of Christmas was the most exciting thing in the world to me. I much preferred the few weeks before to the actual date of December 25th. Once the day finally arrived and all the presents were unwrapped and the beautifully decorated room was disheveled, I was full of disappointment – the Christmas Day let down. And many people would use that scenario as proof for the argument that gifts just cause the disappointment – if I had been focused on the REAL reason for the season then I would not have experienced that sadness. I disagree.

You see, I’ve been studying the Advent season a bit lately, and from what I’ve found, the whole process of celebrating Christmas and giving gifts echoes the glorious mystery of this season. One of the articles I read said that “Advent is marked by a spirit of expectation, of anticipation, of preparation, of longing.” When you exchange gifts, there is the time of preparation and anticipation, and for me there is always that continued longing after the gift is open. The prayer of the Advent season used to be “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel, And ransom captive Israel” – the Jews were yearning for the long promised Messiah. There was actually fasting and lamenting at Advent time rather than the celebration that takes place today. Then Jesus was born and the world was able to rejoice at his birth. But, even though the Savior of the world finally arrived, we are still here while He sits in Heaven. Advent still has an element of longing and sorrow in it because we aren’t “home” yet.

I want my kids to get gifts. I want them to experience the excitement of anticipation, I want them to experience the work of preparation, and I want them to experience the Christmas Day let down – to know that the gifts are wonderful and the gift of Christ, being the best one, is available to them here and now, and I want them to know that the best is yet to come – I want them to know that longing.

…I’ve read and reread this post a hundred times, trying to figure out if it says what I really mean. I think it does, but maybe the reality is that I am just selfish and this whole idea is just a stretch to mask it. Forgive me if that’s true – and let me know if it does sound that way.