Traces of Normal

29 03 2008

 This is the entry I was going to post earlier before Drew’s teething tirades… 🙂 

I can’t believe it, and I’m afraid to actual say it in case I jinx the situation, but we are beginning to feel a bit more normal around here. Of course, I use the term normal rather loosely and by it I think I probably just mean that we have come to accept the fact that our lives will never be normal again. But there are a few things that have contributed to making the household a bit more stable recently. For one, Drew is finally sleeping much better at night. We started him on solids early, and although he’s not eating much yet, it seems to be helping – plus we had a few nights where we let him cry a bit, and I think he’s finally figuring out that nighttime is for sleeping. The other morning I woke up and felt really strange – I wasn’t sure why until I realized I just felt rested for the first time in months. And then today, I went to lay down for my usual nap, and after crawling into bed I realized I wasn’t really tired. It’s been a wonderful adjustment.

On top of that amazing development, I’m finally beginning to recognize my body again. Of course, I still have not lost the weight, but the shape of my body is starting to look normal again. I had read that it takes at least 7 months for most people to recover from pregnancy and that seems to be about right.

All Through the Night

29 03 2008

Well, last night was the first time that Drew and I have both slept through the entire night in probably ten months (I’m counting the third trimester too).  After all this time, it is a really weird feeling.  I didn’t need a nap all day today. Naps had become a staple in my daily routine.  Drew struggled a little with his naps too, but I’m sure he’s just adjusting.  I’m sure I will appreciate this schedule more and more.  I’ll miss 4 am, but after praying about this whole situation, God helped me to see that clinging to that feeding was selfish – it wasn’t good for Drew or me or Tim.  I  didn’t want to be obedient in letting it go, but I had to.  I do still have his 8:00pm feeding right before he goes to bed.  I’ll have to get all my cuddling in then. 🙂

My Own Worst Enemy

26 03 2008

For all the wallowing I do about sleep deprivation on this blog, I realized at 4am one night last week that I am my own worst enemy. Drew is not sleeping through the night yet – he has still been waking once at four to eat. However, after getting through several sporadic teething bouts (he’s got four on top now and four on the bottom…), I thought it might be time to start helping him make it through the entire night. So, I tried once. I think it was Thursday – he woke at 4am, I went in, pacified him, he fussed a bit and in a few minutes went back to sleep. I went back to bed and cried. I am my own worst enemy because I don’t want to give up the 4 am feedings. And that night when Drew woke an hour later, I quickly went in to feed him.

At 4 am, everything is quiet, there are no distractions, and my normally energetic, slight-of-attention-span little boy wants nothing else but me. At 4 am, his lanky frame that during the day kicks and squirms nestles magically in my arms as if he were still a perfect part of me. At 4 am, his busy little hands are still except when they reach to rest on my cheek or hug my neck. It disturbs my sleep and only lasts ten minutes or so, but sometimes 4 am is one of the most precious times of my day.

Monday of this week, I looked at my haggard husband over dinner and realized that 4 am was really starting to wear on him too. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get the magical part of it; he only gets the disturbance in his sleep and then has to go and work all day. And then I was reminded that in just a few weeks, Tim and I are leaving Drew with his grandparents for a three day weekend, and they probably won’t appreciate 4 am either. So, yesterday, I tried again. Drew woke a little early at 3:30am, and I pacified him and let him cry. And cry he did…for two whole hours. At 5:30am, I finally decided we’d have to take this whole thing in baby steps, and I broke down and fed him.

This morning, he woke at 5:30am, and has cried for the majority of the last two hours, and so have I. And ironically, I realize that by not being my own worst enemy, I have become my own worst enemy again- I’ve given in to all the voices in my life telling me that ‘that baby should be sleeping through the night’, and I’ve done away with 4am. I have erased a special moment of motherhood that I can never get back again. I know I will probably rejoice once the sleep deprivation is over and the memory of 4 am fades, but for now, I’d give anything if I could just turn back the clock.